Monkey Bars...

This week, I have been quiet. I have been home more than usual. I have been told "You're just not yourself" this week. I know this is true. I'm not.

Lots of things are going on or are fixing to be going on and I think the whole thing is finally hitting me. Sarah will soon be scheduled for her heart cath procedure and then after that, her open heart surgery. I've known her whole life that this is all coming. I know it will happen when she is 4 or 5 years old. She will be five in September.

Realization has set in for me that very soon, she is going to have to fight a pretty big battle. I know that Todd & Jason & I are strong and will stand by her side through it all and that she will be fine, but the thought of all of it is beginning to "sink in". Memories from the last surgeries she had have began to be at the front of my mind instead of waaaayyyyyy in the back. Every day, it's a little closer and every day, I feel a little more "nervous".

I am not scared. I have complete faith that God is in control and He will take us through this. But everyone knows that even when you KNOW something is in front of you and it's going to be hard and even though you know you'll "make it"....it's still gonna be hard.

For instance, when I take Sarah to the park and she wants to try the monkey bars. Even though I am standing below her with my arms wrapped around her so that she cannot fall, she is scared. Scared, but determined. Determined, but still scared. Once she lets go of that footing underneath and hangs on to that bar she is dangling from and I am right there with her and nothing in the world could make me let go of her at that point, it is still hard to do. I hold her and help her as she moves from one bar to the next until she gets her feet under her again on the other side. Then, when I feel she can handle it on her own, I let her stand on her own. Not a moment sooner.

I know this is how God is with us. I also know this is not how it SHOULD be. In all actuality, we should not only expect Him to guide our steps when we are scared or worried, but always and in everything we do. Everything. Not just the hard stuff. But we are "big girls and boys" and we can "handle" everything....until it gets tough. But knowing that we have that assurance that someone is there to hold us as we take a leap or are pushed or knocked over....makes it a whole lot easier to bear.

As our family approaches this gigantic set of monkey bars....I know God has a firm hold of us as we move forward, one bar at a time toward the point in time where we get back to "normal" and have our feet under us again. I know that we are protected and loved. I am so thankful for the circle of friends and family that are so supportive to us always. Nothing I could say or do could ever be enough to express my deep appreciation for each and every person in our lives who has been there for us in both big and small ways.

I will continue to post updates as to Sarah's progress throughout this journey. From her birth, I have referred to our life as "A Journey of the Heart" and that is what it is...in many more ways than one. It is a very physical, mental, emotional and spiritual journey...but I know we will make it through because we are not the ones reading the map!